Angela Version 29.1

Steven and I were blessed to attend a ministers, elders, and wives retreat this past weekend. A wonderful lady from church offered to keep Kyra while we were gone and so we went off to a state park in Oklahoma for 2 nights. This year's retreat was centered around fellowship and community since there are 4 new elders coming in and several ministers who are still fairly new. It was such a great experience for me to get to know some people I had never really spent any time with before, as well as to deepen bonds with people I already call friends. One of the main themes of the retreat was telling your story. This was played out in small groups of 4 or 5. Each person in the small group was given as much time as they needed to tell their story. There was no restriction on what you could say or what aspect of your story to tell. We were each given a free license to tell whatever version and amount of detail of our story as we felt led to do. As I've reflected on the weekend, I realize how long it has been since I've allowed people to really enter into my story. Anyone who knows much about me knows that I'm a pretty unemotional person, but as I told my story with a clear head and calm spirit, I ended up pouring out a lot more emotion than I intended. That was the most difficult part for me. I will tell anyone anything they want to know about me, but it will be a very sterile rendition of the story. As I thought about the version of the story I told that day, I think I can pinpoint my emotional shutoff to when we first moved to Indiana from Michigan when I was 11. I guess I just found it easier to deal with life in general without all those pesky emotions getting in the way, so I just ignored them. I got so good at it that they pretty much disappeared altogether, aside from happy and excited, because those were the "good" ones. Other feelings would pop up occasionally, but it was few and far between. I also remember that when I went off to college without knowing a soul there, I felt like I could basically reinvent myself and start over as whatever kind of person I wanted to be. That was extremely liberating and I did make a lot of changes during that transition, from a publicly quiet and reserved person to much louder and much more outgoing person. I jumped into a lot of college activities right off the bat, whereas before, I wasn't involved in much non-academic stuff until my senior year in high school. To come back to the present, I think that might be the opportunity that God is presenting me with once again at this time in my life. I'm seeing a better way to be and a better way to relate to people than what I've been practicing. After this weekend, I realize I want to know people and to be known myself, good, bad, and ugly. I think that's where true friendship and intimacy comes in, you see all the "stuff" and love anyway. I was able to experience a "safe" environment to be me, all of me, emotions included, and still be ok. I don't know if I'll ever be a weepy, hyper emotional female, but I am re-learning to unlock my emotional closet and give myself some room. I think I've missed a lot of what God has wanted to teach me by not paying attention to the way I feel. By turning off that part of myself, I've turned off a part of what God created in me. I can already see some areas that he's wanting me to work on and recognize that he has already provided me with the support system and the friendships I need to make those changes. I'm a little uneasy going forward into "new/old" territory, but I know, as with anything God asks of us, the rewards will outweigh any cost.